Tower of Strength
by theverystuffoflife
Summary: AU. Despite everything, Alicia's devastating assault leads to a pregnancy. Torn in a thousand directions, how will she cope? A series of one-shots. [Alicia/Ethan]
1. 38 Weeks Pregnant

**Hi! Back again with another Alicia/Ethan oneshot. Just a quick disclaimer before you read: I tried my very hardest to research thoroughly the very difficult subject covered in this one-shot. It is a well circulated myth that the likelihood of a woman becoming pregnant due to rape is very rare. In fact, up to 30% of women who are raped become pregnant. It is likely these statistics are skewed further by the fact that the reported rape rate falls far below the number of actual rapes committed and subsequent pregnancies. I hope I've done a very sensitive topic at least some justice. Another apology – I don't have my own children, therefore I've never given birth before. My only experience of childbirth is of receiving neonates from delivery rooms/crash sections in my role as a student children's nurse – so I apologise if there's rather too much lingo and not enough emotional accuracy! Lots of love to all x**

* * *

It was a brutally cold February morning, and the sound of the rain smacking against Alicia's bedroom window startled her from an unsettled doze. She shivered, pulling the quilt tighter around the swell of her stomach and tried to block out the sounds of the howling wind which were causing her unusual anxiety. She became aware of an ache in her back, an ache she was normally accustomed to after a long shift on her feet but not typical after sleep. Sighing as she realised her chances of falling back into slumber were non-existent, Alicia pushed herself up the mattress and switched on the lamp beside her bed, a warm glow enveloping the room. She looked down at her stomach as she did most mornings, running her fingertips absent-mindedly over the bump. She could have sworn the baby had dropped in the space of a night – perhaps that why her back hurt so much – but shook that thought out of her mind as soon as it entered. She wasn't ready.

A gentle tap on the door dragged Alicia out her revere. "Yeah?" she croaked in response, voice full of sleep.

"Hey," it was Ruby, Alicia realised as the young paramedic pushed open the bedroom door. "I saw the light on under your door getting up for work, thought I'd bring you this." She pressed a steaming hot mug of tea into the hands of the other woman. Chamomile, Alicia realised as the steam drifted toward her, and smiled gratefully at Ruby. "It's so early, you should be resting."

"The wind woke me up," Alicia sighed in response. She was struggling to formulate sentences, suddenly aware of quite how intense the pain in her back was becoming. She felt a bit sick, but she wasn't sure if that was because of pain or pure fear. "Alicia," Ruby said, her brow furrowing in concern. "You don't look very well. Are you alright?"

"Yeah, yeah," Alicia muttered, and Ruby saw the moment that the anxiety etched onto the girls face was replaced by a mask of calm. "It's just early."

"Alright." Ruby sighed, unconvinced but ever aware of time ticking on. "I've got to go to work now. My phone is on, will you promise me that you'll call if you're still not feeling well?"

Alicia could only nod, feeling nausea whirl in her stomach. Stop panicking, she thought to herself. She barely registered Ruby's delicate hand touching her shoulder kindly before she tiptoed out of the bedroom as quietly as she'd entered. She felt a rush of affection for the shy paramedic. The girl had had no idea quite what she was signing up for when she eagerly accepted Alicia's offer of a house key all those months ago. Back then, Alicia had been four months pregnant and desperately ignoring the very fact. She'd barely recovered from the ordeal in which she was assaulted by Eddie and then gravely injured in the ambulance and she herself was sure she'd miscarried in that incident. The bleeding and the pain convinced her enough to push the idea of a pregnancy to the back of her mind. Disclosing a baby that was already lost to her colleagues would have achieved nothing but more heartbreak. She'd put the swell of her stomach down to a few more takeaways during her recovery whilst her arms were out of action, and was grateful for her forgiving scrubs. It was one evening, after a punishingly knackering shift, that Ethan had driven her home. She was so tired, almost asleep on her feet, and he had insisted she wasn't safe enough to drive herself. He was driving down the road when it happened. It felt like butterflies at first, a tickle from the inside, and she audibly gasped. He'd hankered on the brakes in shock, pulling over to the side of the road and questioning her immediately. The sudden stop didn't help matters, and the life inside wriggled in protest. Alicia could do nothing more then burst into tears, sobbing nearly until she was sick. It had taken Ethan driving her home, practically dragging her into the living room of her little house and sitting her down on the crumpled sofa with a sweet cup of tea and a blanket round her shoulders, until she calmed down enough to speak. If Ethan was shocked by her admission that she had been concealing a pregnancy for almost five months, he didn't show it. Instead he'd pulled the distressed woman into his arms, whispering reassurances into her ear that he'd support her no matter what. He'd sat with her clutching her hand as she broke the news to Ruby, who had taken the news in typical Ruby fashion, stunned and stuttering but quietly loyal ever since. She'd insisted on telling Connie alone, but it was quite honestly one of the scariest things she'd ever done. Connie was a stern woman, some would say cold, but her response had been enough to bring a vulnerable Alicia to relieved tears. She said nothing, but her eyes visibly softened, and she reached across the desk to place a hand over Alicia's wrist, squeezing gently. Since then she'd offered both practical and silent emotional support, suggestions of extra tea-breaks, whispered conversations of comfort in resus as the strains of heavy pregnancy got to her, and practically forced the younger woman onto maternity leave at thirty-seven weeks when things got a bit too much.

Ethan liked to say, gently teasing, that Alicia was "swimming in the big river in Egypt" instead of preparing for her baby's imminent arrival. He was right of course. Always at the back of her mind was this child's parentage – that the baby would be half Eddie. She could hardly bear to think about the fact that every time she laid eyes on the infant, she'd have a painful reminder of the ordeal that she went through. She was so frightened, about everything – the birth, raising the baby, the thought of Eddie ever finding out about the child that they shared. That was why as she lay in bed on that stormy February morning, waves of pain circulating from her back towards her stomach, she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to ignore exactly what this pain might mean. She curled back onto her side, arms tucked protectively round her abdomen and breathed deeply, falling into a restless sleep.

* * *

Awoken again by the front door slamming, Alicia jumped into consciousness not quite aware of her surroundings. Squinting at the clock beside her bed, she realised it was in fact early evening and she'd slept on and off throughout the entire day. She was suddenly aware of the intensity of the cramping in her back and abdomen and bit down hard on her lower lip to avoid crying out in pain.

"Alicia?" Ruby called, knocking on the door. She'd clearly noticed the lack of movement in the house, left untouched since she left for work that morning, and Alicia could hear the panic in the younger woman's tone. Alicia sat up at once, ignoring the dizziness that hit her from moving so quickly, and tried to get to her unsteady feet before Ruby came into the room. "Hey, slowly Alicia, are you alright?"

"Yeah, just taking a nap – " Alicia started, and then gasped as a sharp pain rippled across her stomach. She had to put every effort into staying upright as Ruby reached out to her hurriedly. Then, a gush of water. Alicia cried out, forgetting herself for a moment and clasping onto Ruby's arms. "No, no, no," she pleaded desperately, panicked tears rolling down her cheeks. "No, I can't…" breaths came as gasps as pain and emotion enveloped her.

"Erm, okay," Ruby stuttered, trying to keep the anxiety out of her tone. She was terrified, no doubt about that, but as she looked at her friend she could see the fright etched across her pale and exhausted face. Alicia needed her in that moment to reassure her and stay calm, just as she did all those months ago when they spent so long trapped in the back of an upturned ambulance together, the older of the two clinging onto life. "Alicia, Alicia…" she tried to keep her tone level, letting the girl grip onto her arms for support. "It's alright, it's alright, here…sit down." She settled her back onto the bed, kneeling down in front of her ignoring the puddle decorating the nice exposed wooden flooring beneath her feet. "Alicia, look at me," she spoke firmly, desperately trying to pull her out of the panic and fear. She didn't know much about this, obstetrics was covered only in simple detail during her paramedic course, but what she did know was that victims of sexual assault could find labour exceptionally difficult. She knew Alicia had found the whole process of carrying Eddie's baby immensely challenging, and suspected she'd been hiding much of that anxiety. "How long have you been having pain for Alicia?"

Alicia had her eyes clenched shut, trying to fight against the fear enveloping her, but she could hear Ruby's voice becoming more and more urgent. "I don't know," she whispered, Geordie lilt stronger than usual. "I don't want to do this Ruby, I can't."

"Alicia – " Ruby reached out and took her hands, gripping them tightly. Alicia opened her eyes, expression etched with terror. "When we were stuck in that ambulance, and I panicked about reducing your dislocation, you said to me we could do this together. I'm telling you that now – you're safe with me, okay?"

"Okay," Alicia whispered in response, choking on the tears trickling down her cheeks. She gasped as a wave of pain smothered her once again, moving her hands out of Ruby's hold to grasp onto the mattress beneath her.

"I think you need to call your midwife, Alicia, I can take you to maternity?" Ruby tried to gain the attention of her friend, clearly still struggling to concentrate through the waves of discomfort.

"No," Alicia cried in response, "it's not labour, not yet, it's too early." Ruby looked at her sceptically, noting the wild panic in her eyes and the delirious expression gracing her face. Ruby was worried – she knew that Alicia was in well established labour but continuing to fight against it in this manner would render the woman too exhausted to function. Before she could respond, Alicia had leapt to her feet as well as a woman who was nine months pregnant could, stumbling across the bedroom floor giddily and shutting herself in the bathroom next door. Ruby sighed as she heard the lock click into place, Alicia's gasps of pain muffled by the heavy wooden door. Clearly she wasn't doing a very good job at getting through to her vulnerable friend. She didn't know what to do next – she didn't much fancy leaving Alicia to progress so much in her labour that she ended up delivering in the bathroom, but equally she knew the more she pushed her, the more she was going to panic and shut down. She was disturbed from her thoughts by the gentle vibration of Alicia's phone against the wood of the bedside table. Despite knowing she shouldn't, temptation won over and she peered at the screen to see a message from Ethan. Nothing exciting, just a friendly check in, but it immediately sparked an idea in the paramedics mind. Lifting a tentative hand, she picked up the phone and pressed the dial button next to Ethan's name. It was worth a try.

* * *

Ethan cleared his throat nervously, his legs unusually wobbly as he stood outside the bathroom door in Alicia's house. He'd not hesitated for a second when a panicked Ruby had called him asking for help to coax his best friend out of the room she'd holed up in. Alicia was scared and needed him, but he was anxious. What if she was too far gone to claw back? Tapping on the door, he frowned in sympathy as Alicia made a noise that could only be described as a wail of pain, before her tone changed. "I'm okay, Ruby," she called, voice tight.

"Leesh, it's me, Ethan," he said gently. "Will you open up? I don't much like talking to the door." Silence, save for her tired breaths through the door panels. He nearly fell over in relief when he heard the lock click open, and reached the turn the knob himself. Alicia stood there visibly shaking and Ethan couldn't remember the last time she'd looked so distressed. It must have been in the aftermath of her assault all those months ago – but it was almost like the stress and trauma of the day had dragged her back in time. She looked small, hands tucked around her bump protectively, but her voice was full of remarkable strength. "You're not making me go to that hospital, Ethan," she said defiantly. "I'm not going, I can't do it."

"What is it?" he whispered in response. "Why are you frightened?"

Alicia's face crumpled again, and Ethan reached out at once finding it too much to bear. He pulled the woman into his arms, feeling the bump between them and smiling fondly despite himself.

"Listen to me, Alicia," he said, "this baby is just like you, and you are a determined, strong, stubborn lady. Little one is coming, you can't fight against them. You can do this, you've battled the most destructive of demons in the last year, this is the start of something brilliant, okay? This baby is going to bring you so much love and joy, you've just got to stay strong a little bit longer. And I'll be there with you, if you want me to be."

Alicia didn't respond verbally, but he felt her head nod just a little against his chest. He pulled her in more tightly, stroking her hair as they swayed together in time to the classical music playing gently on the radio downstairs, clearly Ruby's doing. They stood there for goodness knows how long, Ethan holding her through the ever more frequent and intense contractions until he managed to coax her into his car to the labour ward.

* * *

The small child curled up on Ethan's chest was warm and wriggly, its weight almost comforting amongst the chaos of the day. The newborn had surprisingly taken to Ethan rather quickly, quietening its tiny mewls the second that the midwife practically forced the bundle into his tentative hold. Said midwife had insisted on calling Ethan "dad" the minute she was charged with Alicia's care, despite awkward explanations, something that amused Alicia greatly. Ethan didn't mind, for it provided Alicia with some delight amongst the pain and terror. It hadn't been an easy delivery, the contractions frighteningly intense. Alicia grew quickly exhausted, caught up in the emotion far more than the physical strain of labour. The midwifery team had been excellent the minute they found out Alicia's history, but nothing could ease the fact that she was going through an unbearable trauma. After hours and hours of intensity, Alicia was almost hysterical and the team knew she wasn't going to be able to deliver naturally. She was bleeding, the baby was becoming distressed and the minute the infants heartrate dropped in protest, the crash bell was called and Alicia was placed under general anaesthetic for a c-section. Fear gripped Ethan like nothing he'd ever seen before. He'd assisted in crash sections on his obstetrics rotation but nothing prepared you for seeing your best friend raced down the corridor on a trolley, her crying out, knowing they had 15 minutes to get the baby out. He glanced over the other side of the room, blinking harshly to clear his sleepiness and watched a peacefully sleeping Alicia tucked into the bed, tears on her cheeks drying in the early morning sunrise. Glancing down at the tiny baby again, he chuckled fondly. Baby Girl Munroe, as she was currently known, was absolutely her mother's daughter. She was the spitting image, a shock of dark blonde hair atop her head, rosebud lips and rosy cheeks, beautiful but an old wise head on young shoulders. Most importantly, she had absolutely no resemblance to the father Ethan could hardly bear thinking of. This little girl would do just fine if she had the personality of her mum too.

A whimper of pain from the woman in question stirred Ethan from his half asleep daze. Gingerly getting to his feet still with the baby glued to his chest, he made his way over to the drowsy girl. He could see the confusion on her face as she tried to work out her surroundings, tied with discomfort and exhaustion.

"Alicia," he said gently, reaching with one hand to clasp hers around the cannula. "You've had the baby, you're okay and in recovery."

"Baby," she whispered desperately, voice hoarse from the ventilation. "Is the baby okay?" Events of the previous few hours had obviously come back to her in a panicked mush.

"See for yourself sweetheart," Ethan couldn't help the unusual term of endearment slipping out seeing just how vulnerable she was right now. He picked up the baby who squirmed in protest, but she settled immediately when Ethan gently placed her down onto Alicia's chest. Alicia lifted her free hand straight to the new-borns silky hair, stroking it gently. She looked up straight into Ethan's gaze, eyes glowing with a thousand different emotions.

"You've got a little girl, she weighs six pounds on the dot, showed off her fine pair of lungs when she came out, and she looks just like you." Ethan whispered, squeezing Alicia's hand. He noticed that whilst she was enraptured by her daughter, hardly taking her eyes off of her, she had gone very pale. "You feeling alright?"

"Yeah," Alicia choked in response. "…it's a lot."

"I know," he whispered knowingly. It wasn't quite the same but he remembered the utter terror he and Caleb had felt when baby Matilda had been landed on them quite suddenly. The wave of responsibility, knowing it was your job to keep this tiny human alive, was almost suffocating. Looking at Alicia and her daughter together, he felt something he couldn't explain, quite like that wave of responsibility he'd felt those years ago but without the terror. It felt right, this time. He settled himself on the edge of Alicia's bed, still grasping her hand with one of his and reaching the other to gently stroke the silky foot of her child. "Listen, I know you said to me, after it happened, that you didn't need a knight in shining armour. This isn't why I'm saying this, alright? I'm saying this because I love you, whatever that might mean, and as a result I love this little girl right here. I know how frightened you are, and I also know what an amazing parent you're going to make. I am promising you, right now, that I am going to be here for you and the baby. I want her to have a male figure, a dad, that she can rely on, and I want to be that person."

Alicia said nothing in response, but Ethan had gotten very good at reading the woman. Her eyes filled with tears once again and she looked right into his gaze, squeezing his hand tightly before pressing a kiss to her daughter's head. "I hope you're listening, Maddie," she smiled gently.

"Maddie," Ethan whispered questioningly.

"Madeleine Callie." Alicia said determinedly. She'd had the name picked out for a while, one of the only types of preparation she could bear to think of during her pregnancy, and her daughter suited it perfectly.

Ethan chuckled in response, though his eyes filled with tears, and he reached to cover the hand that Alicia had cupped on her baby's head. "Can you imagine what Cal would think of that? He'd never shut up about it."

Alicia laughed too, wincing as her stitches pulled but her smile never dropping from her face. Her girl was perfect, the rainbow at the end of the storm, and the vast unending expanse of loneliness and fear she'd been stuck in the last nine months was lifting a little. It wasn't the end of her healing journey, but it was also the beginning of something new.

* * *

 **I really hope that you enjoyed. Let me know if you'd like more from this AU - I might even be able to write some baby fluff!**


	2. 13 Months Old

**Good evening! Back again, sooner than expected. Thank you so, so much for the kind words about the one-shot. I was really nervous because it was so important to me to do the topic justice. I've had a few ideas about more one-shots stemming from this AU, and this is one of them. I won't be posting them in chronological order, I'd like to do some covering Alicia's pregnancy, for example, but you should hopefully be able to pick things up fairly easily. This chapter is set when baby Madeleine is around a year old. Enjoy :-)**

* * *

"Good morning," Charlie smiled warmly as Alicia entered the staff room for the start of her day shift, clutching a takeaway coffee cup. "Now it must be a good morning," he chuckled, pointing to her drink.

"God don't I need it Charlie," Alicia smiled in response, one-handedly fiddling with her locker key and balancing the beverage in the other. "Five o clock, the little toe-rag got me up this morning. But we did get out of the house before seven, and she didn't cry when I dropped her at nursery so –"

"Madeleine has good vibes about this Monday morning then." Robyn interrupted chirpily. "Half five for me," she grinned cheekily as Alicia gave her a mock-glare of jealousy.

With the staff-room empty once again, Alicia chuckled to herself as she took a minute to drain the rest of her cup. A year ago and she couldn't have imagined feeling this settled and content with her life. It had taken a long healing journey to recover from her assault whilst simultaneously coming to terms with parenting her daughter, but she'd got there.

* * *

"Alicia, sweetie," Elle called across the nurses station having left the Mrs Beauchamp's office to be immediately flagged down by the paramedics bringing in a resus patient. "Connie wants to see you, in her office."

"What about?" she called in response, but Elle had already disappeared down the corridor.

Psyching herself up for a second, Alicia pushed open the door to her boss' office curiously, and stood for just a second before Connie looked up and her tense expression softened. Connie gestured to the sofa in the corner of her office and Alicia nodded in response, confused. She struggled to read Mrs Beauchamp at the best of times, but this was highly unusual behaviour for the Clinical Lead, even with her self-confessed soft spot for the young registrar. Obediently she sat on the cold leather sofa, crossing and uncrossing her legs nervously – what was it about this room that made her feel quite so anxious?

The lack of conversation was starting to become awkward, Alicia felt. She was trying really hard not to yawn, Maddie having decided 5.00am was an appropriate time to wake up this morning, but she knew that such an action would action a disapproving frown from her senior. Connie was pottering around her desk, clearly looking for something amongst the pile of paperwork. She looked up for a second, catching Alicia's embarrassed gaze as she realised that Connie had caught her stare of confusion.

"Sorry to keep you waiting Doctor Munroe, do bear with me." Alicia simply nodded in response, smiling tightly. It was a weird thing to say, she thought – the comment was devoid of her usual impatient sarcasm. Finally, with an official looking piece of paper in her grasp, Connie made her way to sit beside her younger doctor.

"I'm sorry Alicia," Connie said. Alicia frowned, hearing the shake in the woman's tone. She didn't look up from the piece of paper that she was holding, as if she couldn't bear to make eye contact with her. "I'm sorry to interrupt your shift but I received some correspondence this morning and I wanted to tell you about it, in person. I suspect you will receive this letter too today, but I know Ethan is on nights at the moment and I didn't want you to be reading it tonight when you were home alone with Madeleine."

Alicia wrinkled her nose, totally confused. She had no idea what Connie was referring to, she was talking in riddles. She thought for a second about what the letter could have been, and suddenly panic struck her heart. Had somebody reported her to the General Medical Council? She couldn't remember any incident which would warrant such a thing, but doctors got reported for all sorts nowadays. That was the only explanation as to why both her and Mrs Beauchamp would receive a letter. Panicked, she looked at Connie with wide eyes.

"The GMC?" she whispered anxiously. She could hardly bear to say the words out loud.

"What?" Connie responded, bemused, before smiling weakly. She reached to place a hand on the registrars knee. Alicia could almost recognise fondness in her expression. "No, Alicia, it's definitely not the GMC. I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about in that respect."

"Then what is it, Mrs Beauchamp?" Alicia said softly, genuinely confused.

"Dear Madam," Alicia realised Connie was reading from the letter she still held with one hand. "I am writing to inform you that former employee of your department within Holby City NHS Trust, Doctor Edward James McAllister, is to be released from Her Majesty's Prison Bristol on this date 23rd March 2020, having served the satisfactory time sentenced for the conviction of Actual Bodily Harm against Doctor Alicia Claire Munroe, for which he plead guilty in September 2018. It is of the discretion of Holby City NHS Trust as to…"

Connie trailed off, realising that whilst she was reading Alicia had drawn her knees up to her chest and all but buried her head in her legs.

"Alicia –" she said softly. She had been dreading this conversation since the moment she entered her office that morning to see the thick cream envelope with the HMP logo emblazoned on the front. It had taken until nearly early afternoon when she plucked up the courage to ask Doctor Munroe to come to her office. She knew the minute that she broke the news to Alicia her entire world would fall apart all over again. The poor woman had only just recovered from the ordeal, in all honesty. Her daughter was thirteen months old and Alicia was only just getting back to herself after a traumatic pregnancy, a difficult birth and a rocky start to the little girl's life. It was a well-known never discussed truth that the father of baby Madeleine was Doctor McAllister – Connie could barely stand to use the man's title – despite Ethan raising the child as his own since the day she was born. Whilst Eddie was in prison, this fact could be ignored, pushed to the back of the minds of all those who knew and loved Alicia and Maddie. He couldn't do, or know, anything whilst he was there. But now, he was free – and it was disgusting really, that a man who'd attacked a woman quite so brutally had served just half of his three year sentence before release. But Connie's opinions in that regard were surplus to requirement. Eddie had never been convicted for the rape of Alicia, however much everybody believed her that it happened. In the eyes of the law, if Eddie found out that he had a daughter, he could very easily pursue access to the child and ruin Alicia's life all over again. Employment wasn't an issue here – the Trust would not touch Edward McAllister, or anybody convicted for ABH for that matter, with a bargepole. But that did not stop Eddie coming here. Though she had stopped reading aloud, Connie earlier read that conditions of release for Eddie were that he was not to contact Alicia Munroe. That was all, there was no restraining order to stay away the hospital. He could so easily turn up in the Emergency Department. Madeleine went to the creche attached to the nursery – what if Eddie saw her being dropped off by Alicia one morning? Connie shook her head quickly. It was a dangerous path to go down, the what-ifs – if she was anxious then her young registrar would certainly be and it was her job to be the voice of calm here.

She reached out to place a hand on Alicia's back, not missing the flinch that had once been characteristic of Alicia when touched, but that she hadn't seen for a while. Alicia looked up at once. Connie was surprised to see no tears on the woman's face, her expression markedly neutral. She'd gone very pale but it was the only inclination of the news she'd just been told.

"Go and get Madeleine and take her home, we'll manage for the rest of the day." Connie said gently, struggling to read the younger woman. Alicia took a deep breath, shaking her head. "No, I'm not going to let this have an effect on her. She's too innocent. I'll be fine. That part of my life is done now, over, I don't care what he's doing."

Connie smiled warmly, admiration sweeping over her. Alicia had shown remarkable bravery and whether her bravery at this moment was legitimate or not, she could not put into words how proud she was.

"Okay, so you come and find me if you're struggling, alright? I don't care when it is, in ten minutes, next week, next month. Do you promise?" she said firmly, Clinical Lead hat back on.

"Yeah," Alicia smiled in response. Connie didn't miss the shake in her tone, the uncertainty in her eyes, but she patted the woman on the back encouragingly.

"Okay, right go on, go and have a cup of tea and get back to work." Connie dismissed her, and Alicia stood up gingerly, making her way over to the door. She stopped and turned at the entrance.

"Mrs Beauchamp?" she whispered, "thank-you, for telling me in person." Connie simply smiled.

* * *

Alicia was amazed, quite frankly, that she'd made it to the end of the shift without killing any of her patients or having a nervous breakdown. Since Connie had broken the news to her of Eddie's release, her head had been a mess. At first she'd been numb, and it was remarkably easy to convince Mrs Beauchamp that she was handling the unexpected shock well. But as the afternoon wore on, her thoughts were plagued with…him. She'd been trying to work whilst ignoring the fact that she was reliving in minute detail everything that had happened less than two years ago. Of course, Alicia knew that this day would have come eventually. Three years, she'd been told by her solicitor after the sentencing hearing. Too many aggravating factors to serve less than that. But no, after eighteen measly months, he was free to get on with life without a care in the world. He'd probably never practice medicine again, no, but he had a degree and he'd get a job somewhere else. He'd spend his life convincing everybody he met that he'd simply been screwed over by an over-dramatic woman who'd ruined his life.

She went through the motions of getting changed, grabbing her bag from her locker, praying she'd not bump into Ethan because she knew the minute she did she'd fall apart. She barely registered the friendly farewells from several colleagues, glancing at her confusedly as she didn't acknowledge them as she normally would. She felt a bit like she did in the days after her rape, and again when she found out that she'd not miscarried and was still pregnant – like she was floating, not quite down on Earth.

"Right," she whispered to herself as she made it across the hospital carpark to the nursery. "Pull yourself together," she muttered. She couldn't let this ruin Madeleine's life. One day, she'd have to be told about her true parentage, there was no denying that, but whilst she was tiny and innocent she could shield her little girl from the bad in this world. She had a happy life with mammy and daddy, she was adored by about a billion honorary uncles and aunties. Security, safety, was all she'd ever known, and this man was not going to turn her life upside down.

Handover was quick tonight, Alicia's normal Geordie chattiness sorely lacking as she simply picked up her baby and cuddled her close, closing her eyes as she breathed in her smell.

"Right Miss Maddie," she talked mindlessly as she carried Madeleine across the carpark. "Tonight Mammy is very tired so we're going to have a lovely bedtime, aren't we?" Turning her attention away from the child, she looked up to the sky when she felt what she thought was rain above and then glanced across to the pub, hoping to catch a glimpse of her colleagues who would often wave madly at Madeleine and revel in the baby's giggles. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him. She jumped, gasping in panic and holding Madeleine close. Eddie, stood at the bus stop. Alicia couldn't breathe, suddenly speed walking in panic before she turned to give him a second look to see if he'd noticed her.

Except it wasn't Eddie at all. Granted the rugged young man stood at the bus stop bore a vague resemblance to Doctor McAllister, but Alicia's mind had just played serious tricks on her. She couldn't bear this, was this going to be her life now? She couldn't hold back any longer, suddenly bursting into tears. The little girl in her arms giggled, obviously bemused by seeing this strange reaction from her mammy. "Ma?" she babbled, which just served to make Alicia cry harder.

She wasn't quite sure what took her there, maybe it was the rain becoming ever heavier or the blind panic enveloping her, but she stumbled into through the E.D entrance in a distressed blur.

"Doctor Munroe," Noel said confusedly as the distraught looking registrar walked in looking thoroughly soaked from the rain, a tiny and cold Madeleine now whinging, clearly confused by the change in routine. Dylan had been standing at one of the computers, muttering grumpily at the printer, when he looked up at the sound of Noel's voice.

"Ah, right, okay," he said at once, suddenly taking control. He wasn't fond of emotions, especially hysterical female emotions, but something about the look on Alicia's face made him jump to action. "Right come on," he said firmly, taking the pile of rucksacks and handbags and god knows what else from the unresponsive junior doctor and throwing them over his shoulder. He'd spent far too much time himself stumbling around the department whilst in crisis to let Alicia get on with it alone. "I'm going to take you to the staff-room, get Duffy to make you a cup of tea, juice for the little one, whatever, and then I'm going to get Ethan." Alicia didn't answer but he did notice the marked decrease in panicked gasps coming from her, and the baby in her arms settling down and instead eyeing Dylan up suspiciously.

Having deposited Alicia and Madeleine into the safe hands of Duffy, Dylan escaped as quickly as he could, practically leaping into resus and swapping with Ethan with nothing more than a "Alicia, staff room" muttered in the other consultants direction.

* * *

Meanwhile Alicia sat shivering on the sofa, Maddie still clinging onto her mother anxiously. "I need to change her," she whispered, clearly directed at Duffy but not moving her gaze from a fixed spot on the floor. "She'll get so cold."

"I'll see to her, sweetheart," Duffy replied gently, reaching to grab the throw from the back of the chair and tucking it around mother and child. "Here, I know you don't take sugar normally but I think you need it," she said firmly, placing a mug on the coffee table in front of Alicia. Suddenly the staffroom door burst open and Maddie jumped, whimpering slightly. "Leesh, what's wrong? Is it Maddie?" It was Ethan, breathless, having clearly sprinted from resus.

"No," Alicia whispered in response, Geordie lilt stronger than usual. "She's okay, I – " she tried to reassure Ethan but could do nothing more than dissolve into tears again. Ethan looked over at Duffy helplessly, and the senior nurse jumped into action. "Alicia, darling, I'll take Madeleine to Charlie's office and sort her out, I think we've got some of Charlotte's clothes in there. I've got her, don't worry." Alicia barely responded, limply allowing Duffy to take her daughter from her arms.

When the door closed shut softly and the sound of Madeleine's happy babbles faded down the corridor, Ethan joined his partner on the sofa, reaching over to tuck the blanket more tightly around her shoulders and pulling her into his arms. "You're freezing, Alicia, what on earth has happened?" He asked, gently rocking the woman who was still sobbing.

"Eddie, he's out – " she choked, she could barely speak. "I thought I saw him, picking Maddie up."

"Eddie's out?" Ethan exclaimed, unsure if he'd heard Alicia right but getting his answer when she cried harder. "Oh, Alicia," he whispered, pressing a kiss into her damp hair. "Was it definitely him?"

"No," Alicia responded at once, tone frustrated. "Just my stupid brain making stuff up, and I put Maddie at risk standing in the rain panicking instead of taking her home and she'll miss her bedtime and she's confused and upset and, and – "

"Alicia, breathe," Ethan responded firmly, rubbing circles on the younger woman's back. "Madeleine's fine, she's being showered with attention and probably chocolate buttons by Duffy, this is all an exciting adventure for her. Why didn't you tell me, about him being released?"

"Only found out this afternoon," she whispered, Ethan glad that she was calming slowly. "Connie got a letter, called me into her office. I thought I was okay but I'm so, so scared, Ethan."

"It's okay," he said softly. "It's okay to be scared. I'm scared too, but you know what? Edward McAllister is nothing more than a coward, a pathetic man. He can't hurt you, you've proved a thousand times over you're stronger than he is."

Alicia nodded against his chest, whispering. "I just don't want him to ruin Maddie's life."

"He's not going to. Maddie is the luckiest girl in the entire world to have you fighting her corner. And I'm not a knight in shining armour, I'm a court jester, but if he ever comes near you or Mads I swear –"

Alicia chuckled drily, furiously wiping tears from her cheeks with her hands. "You're the best jester I could ever want," she said, lifting her head from Ethan's chest and pressing her lips to his. Ethan squeezed her hand, brushing the damp strands of hair from her face.

"Okay, doctors' orders, drink that tea. I'm going to call Bea, you're going to take Maddie and stay at hers tonight, I don't want you by yourself. Knowing her, she'll be on full Auntie duties and you'll get some proper sleep. You look knackered, Leesh."

"Five o clock this morning," she chuckled, "early bird catches the worm is clearly Maddie's life motto."

Ethan exhaled sharply, though he was smiling fondly. "Which song was the wake-up call this morning, then?"

"I think it was supposed to be Row Row the Boat," Alicia laughed. "She needs a better repertoire."

"Hmm, quite." Ethan smiled, kissing Alicia again. "I love you, Doctor Munroe. I love you, and our girl."

"I love you, so much. Thank-you."

* * *

 **Look at me, writing a bit of FLUFF! Who am I becoming? Do let me know if you enjoyed, and if you have any chapter suggestions.**


	3. 18 Weeks Pregnant

**Hey! Back again. Thanks so much for the lovely comments about the last chapter. This is set when Alicia is eighteen weeks pregnant. I'm not going to lie, I'm not hugely happy with it - I've been lamenting over it for days. I also typed the entire thing almost one-handedly because I've injured my wrist and it is annoyingly confined to a splint - so I do apologise for any typos I might have missed. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Pulling her scrub top over her head, Alicia winced at once as she felt a pull in her abdomen. She was still getting used to this, she reminded herself, all these odd niggles and pains. After all, it had been just a week since she found out for certain that she was pregnant. That sounded ridiculous in itself, she thought, as she smoothed her top over the slight outward curve of her stomach. She was eighteen weeks gone – eighteen weeks today, in actual fact. Eight weeks before, she'd had suspicions that something wasn't quite right. She'd not had a period in months, and it was starting to get harder to put that down to stress. The nausea and the pure exhaustion equally was not unmissed. But she was so scared. The realisation that she might have been pregnant was shoved to the back of her mind amongst the agony of confessing all to Bea, of the trauma of the SARC, the distress that came with finally reporting Eddie to the police for what he had done. And then – it happened. Eddie had thrown her through a window, and then she was in the ambulance crash, and there was cramping and there was bleeding but amongst the agony of her serious injuries, the fact that she was probably miscarrying was pushed to the back of her mind. By the time she'd made it to the ED, her GCS had been through the floor and she was far too delirious to think straight let alone tell anybody of her concerns. And then when she came round a little later on, on the ward, her symptoms had all gone. It was a relief to not have to worry about that anymore so she didn't give it a second thought, because trying to deal with the fact she was carrying Eddie's child on top of everything else would have been one trauma too many.

From then on, any little symptom that Alicia knew in hindsight was pregnancy, was put down to her recovery. The weight gain – too many takeaways, because her arms hurt too badly to cook. The exhaustion – that was down to lack of sleep and stress. That was until last week, the very moment that the tiny being inside of her decided to make themselves known. It had given her the most enormous shock and yet all the same she'd almost expected it. The pain had been in admitting it. A week on, still only Ethan, who had been there when the baby started moving, knew about her pregnancy. Eternally supportive, he'd remained discreet whilst simultaneously gently encouraging her to at least tell their boss. She'd not quite worked her way up to it yet. She'd promised Ethan that she'd tell her, but that she needed to do it on her own and in her own time. When that time was going to be, she didn't quite know.

"Alicia?" she jumped out of her daydream, hurriedly throwing her belongings into her handbag and ramming her feet into her trainers. It was Louise, tapping on the door. "You've been in there ages, you alright?"

Pushing open the lock, she opened the cubicle door in the changing rooms to come face to face with Louise, looking at her with an expression which could only be described as a combination between suspicious and confused.

"Texting," Alicia replied simply, smiling apologetically.

Louise raised her eyebrows coyly. "Right, well Mrs Beauchamp asked me to find you, there's a ten year old boy incoming to resus in status epilepticus and she'd like you to lead."

"Okay, I'll just put this stuff away," she gestured to her bag and coat, "I'm right there." And with that, Louise was gone. Alicia checked her appearance one last time in the changing room mirrors before leaving the room. She smoothed her hands over the barely visible bump, very thankful for the forgiving nature of her uniform, and bounded out ready to begin her shift.

* * *

Alicia sat in Mrs Beauchamp's office nervously, picking at her fingernails and trying to breathe deeply through the cramping in her lower abdomen. She wasn't even sure what she was going to say when the Clinical Lead herself finished up with the child patient in resus she'd had to abandon. She'd been about to administer rescue medication to bring the child's seizures under control, when the dull pulling in her stomach that she'd been ignoring all day moved to sharp cramping. Unable to concentrate and guarantee she wasn't going to put her patient at risk, she'd left Rash to stabilise the child and caught the eye of Mrs Beauchamp across resus, who had no choice but to take over before Alicia left the room. All she'd managed to mutter was "my office, Alicia," as the young doctor brushed past her on the way out.

She could hardly think straight, her mind whirling with thousands of possibilities and questions. It had been a week, she'd still not been looking after herself and her baby, and now it was too late. She really was losing the baby this time. She bit down on her lower lip to stop herself from crying, and she didn't know whether it was through pain or fear. She drew her legs up to her chest defensively, quite sure now that she was bleeding as she dissolved into frightened tears. As the door edged open, she jumped in surprise and tried to regain her composure. She wasn't sure what kind of reaction she was going to get from her boss, finding it more than difficult to read her at the best of times.

"Right, Doctor Munroe," Connie sighed. "What happened there?" She walked around the desk, sitting in the leather chair and looking at the younger doctor expectantly. The woman herself seemed very pale, eyes red as if she'd been trying to stop herself from crying. "Are you unwell?"

"No, I, erm…" Alicia's voice shook. She rubbed her eyes furiously, forgetting the mascara which was probably being spread across her cheeks. "I'm sorry," she sighed tearfully.

"Alicia," the Clinical Lead responded, her tone softening. She leaned forward, trying to catch the woman's eye. "Talk to me – I'm not angry, I'm just worried. What's going on?"

"That night," Alicia whispered. "With, you know." Connie nodded encouragingly, trying her best to follow Alicia's stilted mutters. "I'm pregnant."

Connie said nothing, and Alicia couldn't raise her eyes from the spot on the desk she was concentrating on. Suddenly, a hand reached across the table and grasped onto Alicia's wrist, squeezing gently. It was too much for the younger doctor, and the tears crawled down her cheeks. It was a weird feeling which had enveloped her, a strange mixture of terror and pure relief to finally tell Mrs Beauchamp the truth.

"Alicia, it's alright, it's alright," Mrs Beauchamp said gently, trying to get through to her through the distressed cries, concerned that she would get herself into a panicked state. "Take a deep breath, you're alright."

Alicia shook her head, tearful gasps becoming frustrating as she tried to speak. "In resus…there, pain…something is wrong."

"You're having pains?" Connie said, still holding onto the other woman's wrist. She could feel Alicia's pulse hammering under her fingers. Alicia nodded furiously, trying to drag her breathing under control. "Right, sweetheart, this is what we're going to do. I'm going to find a cubicle, and then I'll check you over. Is that okay?"

Alicia had a feeling she didn't have much choice, as Connie stood up before she'd even responded and left the office hurriedly to find somewhere she could examine the younger woman.

She stumbled to her feet, swaying as dizziness overcame her. A sharp pain, and a gush, and she gasped outwardly and leaned over to grasp onto the desk. At that moment Connie returned. She reacted serenely, ever calm in a crisis, approaching the young doctor and placing a gentle hand on the small of her back. "I'm bleeding," Alicia whispered tearfully at feeling her boss' presence.

"Can you walk?" Connie replied, rubbing her hand across the woman's back soothingly. "I've cleared a cubicle."

Somehow Connie managed to lead Alicia into the cubicle, letting her settle herself onto the bed and curl up into a tiny ball, hands clasping her abdomen. Connie couldn't believe she hadn't noticed it sooner, the small bump. She must have been what, four or five months gone by now? How, more importantly, how had she stayed pregnant throughout the traumatic accident she'd gone through only a couple of months prior?

"Alicia," Connie crouched down to the woman's level, trying to break through the waves of distress. "How far gone are you? When was your last scan?"

The questions made Alicia's head spin. "Eighteen weeks," she whispered. "No scan yet," gasping, "I only found out last week, she started moving."

Connie decided to ignore the pronoun slip, instead her brain working at a million miles per hour trying to understand dates and symptoms.

"Does anybody know?" she replied calmly. Alicia tensed at that, nodding passively. "Ethan was there, last week, he knows…I'm sorry, I was going to tell you, I just…"

"Hey, hey, I'm not worried about that, Alicia. I just didn't want you to have been dealing with this on your own." Connie responded, patting Alicia's arm. "Now, how would you feel about me getting Ethan, just to help me out and support you as well? It's your choice, okay, we can just keep this between the two of us."

"No, no," Alicia whispered, "I'd like him here, please."

"Alright, I'll be back in a minute. You won't be disturbed, okay? Alicia, try and relax. I know you're scared but if you relax a little, take some deep breaths, the pain might ease off." Connie said, taking a motherly tone as she observed the younger doctor curl even further in on herself, tense, shaking. She was pleased to see as she left the cubicle that she had settled a little, eyes fixed shut and breathing deeply.

"Doctor Hardy," Connie said, stern and professional tone as always, "with me please."

Ethan looked confused and a little nervous, obediently following the Clinical Lead to a quiet corner outside of resus.

"Is everything alright, Mrs Beauchamp?" Ethan frowned.

"I understand that you're privy to Doctor Munroe's condition, at the moment." Ethan stuttered in response, unsure of what to say. "It's alright Ethan, Alicia has spoken to me and told me that you knew. For what it's worth, you kept that information private for her as a friend and respected her patient confidentiality as a doctor. It wasn't your place to tell me."

Ethan could only nod, processing the spiel just thrown at him. "So, why are you speaking to me about it now?" he said, confused.

"Alicia has taken unwell. She's given me permission to allow you to assist in her care. Severe pelvic pain, PV bleeding. I need you to speak to obs and gynae for me, I'll do an ultrasound but I'd like somebody to come down and do a consult."

"I don't think she's been seen by maternity, late presentation…she erm, only found out last week." Ethan said, trying desperately to put his clinician hat back on amongst the anxiety he was feeling for his friend.

"It shouldn't be a problem, Doctor Hardy. Can you go and sort it, please? Then come to cubicle 9. It's not on the board but I think we can get this sorted before anybody notices." With that, Connie started striding back down the corridor towards cubicles. With a second thought, she turned back to the younger consultant. "Ethan…she's really scared. She needs you to be professional and calm here, yeah?"

A little later, Ethan entered the cubicle he had been told currently housed a frightened Alicia. His mind was spinning, it had been ever since Connie had told him the news of Alicia's illness. It all seemed ridiculously unfair – Alicia had been through more than enough in the last six months, year even. A miscarriage at this stage could be a trauma both physically and emotionally too far for the young doctor.

Connie was stood at the end of the bed, obviously taking a set of observations as she watched Alicia intently. The doctor herself looked as if she was asleep, curled on her side with hospital blankets tucked over her. Connie glanced up at Ethan entering the cubicle, smiled tightly. "Did you get hold of obs and gynae?"

"Yeah, they've got an ectopic in theatre. They'll be about an hour." Ethan replied, sorry to not bring more promising news. "How are her obs?"

"Better now she's settled. A little tachycardic, blood pressure on the low side. But she's pyrexic, 38.2C."

"Infection?" Ethan said, glancing again at the doctor on the bed. She looked pale, clammy, classic signs of a fever. "She's had a cold, I didn't think it was anything to worry about."

"No, it shouldn't be," Connie sighed. "I suppose her immune system is hammered after the accident. Ethan…," she said, bracing herself for his reaction. "I'm concerned that it's maternal sepsis. She fits the high risk criteria."

Ethan simply nodded, walking slowly to Alicia's side. He reached out and brushed some loose hair off of the woman's clammy forehead. "So, bloods, start IV cefotaxime, bolus fluids," he rhymed off.

"Yes please." Connie replied. "When she wakes, I'll do a quick scan…but if it's maternal sepsis…"

"I know," Ethan sighed, cutting his boss off sadly. He looked at the woman in front of him, sound asleep but brow pinched. "Right, okay…" he muttered to himself, leaving the cubicle to start the hundreds of jobs he needed to do. He just wanted to get it all done, half because he desperately wanted to get both Alicia and the baby through this, and half because he didn't want to be her doctor. He wanted to be the loved one.

* * *

"Hey," Ethan said gently, shaking Alicia awake. He felt awful having to wake her, she looked exhausted, but he knew the sooner he cannulated the better. "Alicia, it's alright, it's just me, Ethan."

"Ethan," Alicia muttered, still half asleep. Opening her eyes, her brow furrowed even more, wincing as she tried to move.

"Yeah, it's me. Listen, I need to cannulate, take some bloods." Ethan said, reaching for Alicia's hand and squeezing it tenderly before inspecting the inside of her arm for suitable veins.

"What's wrong?" Alicia said tearfully, confused.

Ethan didn't look up from what he was doing, feigning concentration – but truthfully he couldn't bear to meet her eye. "You've got some sepsis flags. Connie wants to give you some fluids and antibiotics, just in case. And I'll get some pain relief sorted, okay?" he finished, as he could see Alicia frowning in pain in his peripheral vision.

"Sepsis," Alicia said slowly, as if she'd never heard the term before, was testing it out. "Makes sense, I suppose."

"Yeah…" Ethan replied, as he tenderly taped the cannula down, running his fingers over her palm. "You should have told me you weren't feeling well."

"It happened so quickly," Alicia whispered, distraught, guilty. "The baby, I shouldn't have gotten attached."

"We both know the statistics, Alicia, but there's still a chance that the baby will get through this. We've caught it early, if it's sepsis."

Alicia nodded, tears now running down her cheeks. It was too much, the pain, the fever, the bleeding, the utter terror for her child. "This is my fault," she gasped, "I should have known, not ignored it, I don't know."

Ethan stopped what he was doing at once, finally looking up, catching the distress in Alicia's eye. "Oh," he said gently, "Alicia, no. You've just been so, so unlucky, darling. This is nothing you've done."

"I can't take any more, Ethan. I'm so tired," Alicia sobbed. Ethan didn't respond, but sat on the edge of the bed and pulled the woman into his arms. She nestled her head into his chest, closing her eyes, drinking in his comfort, and trying to bring her emotions back under control, all too aware that Connie would be back very soon to complete the ultrasound.

Alicia soon fell back into a feverish and unsettled doze, and Ethan decided to let her sleep. She needed every ounce of rest she could get to fight this. He also knew whilst she was pyrexic she was delirious and confused and a whole part of her current distress was down to that above everything else. A selfish part of the man could not bear to see his best friend quite so distraught, so he was quite happy to let the paracetamol work on bringing her temperature down whilst she slept fitfully.

Glancing round the tiny gap in the curtain that surrounded the cubicle, he was glad to see Connie stood with a gentleman he vaguely recognised as being one of the gynaecology registrars, obviously briefing him on Alicia's case. Noticing that they were moving toward the cubicle itself, he gently roused Alicia to avoid her anxiety skyrocketing when disturbed by a man she did not know. Connie came into the cubicle first, making eye contact with Ethan which conveyed absolutely everything he needed to know. She was evidently not impressed with the doctor that obs and gynae had sent down to consult.

Connie made her way to Alicia's other side, glancing between the monitor and the man setting up the ultrasound machine. She raised an eyebrow pointedly, as Alicia woke and visibly tensed at the man stood at the end of her bed.

"It's okay Alicia," she said, tone cool but equally trying to keep the young doctor calm. "This is Mr Burns, he's one of the gynae registrars."

"Ms Munroe," the registrar spoke, his plummed up accent enunciating the syllables in every word. "Your boss has briefed me on your present symptoms. How is the pelvic pain now? Any rupture of membranes, loss of amniotic fluid?"

Alicia simply shook her head. Her cheeks were flushed, Ethan noted, eyes clearer than they were – her fever was obviously breaking. "A little bleeding," she said, voice croaky from sleep.

"Right," Mr Burns said simply, rolling up his sleeves and rubbing his hands together. He immediately tugged on Alicia's scrub top, and she gasped, startled, a little panicked, fatigue and illness and anxiety over-enunciating her reactions. Ethan bristled at this, reaching to place a gentle hand on the top of Alicia's head comfortingly.

"Do you usually not bother asking for consent, Doctor?" he said, not trying to hide the disgust in his tone.

"Who are you?" the man replied, unruffled, palpating Alicia's abdomen whilst he spoke. The woman in question screwed her face up in pain, obviously tender. She was biting her lip until it drew blood, trying not to whimper in discomfort.

"Doctor Ethan Hardy, ED consultant." Ethan replied, matching the other man's tone.

"Good for you, Doctor Hardy. Ms Munroe," Doctor Burns spoke, reaching to take the jelly from the ultrasound machine. "This will be cold. You have significant abdominal distension, concurrent with eighteen to nineteen weeks gestation. I'm reluctant to believe that the reason for your irresponsibly late presentation is because you were unaware of the pregnancy."

Alicia gasped at his words, tears welling in her eyes as she blinked hurriedly, trying not to let the bristly registrar get to her. She could feel Ethan's hand on her head, which had been soothingly stroking her hair, but at that moment she could feel the tension rising.

"I trusted that you'd thought to consult Doctor Munroe's medical notes before commencing a consult, Mr Burns, as is Trust protocol and any breach of this could compromise patient safety…" Connie had had enough, intervening before Ethan decided to deck the gynae reg.

"Sexual assault, rape, eighteen weeks ago on Wednesday. Nausea and emesis from approximately week six until week ten. At week ten, I was seriously injured in an RTA. Abdominal pain and bleeding at the scene which then resolved spontaneously. No symptoms since, suspected miscarriage. Started experiencing movements of pregnancy one week ago. But nothing, since the pain started…." Alicia cut in above Connie, her voice unwavering as if she was recounting a patients history, not her own. "I need this scan, please…"

Mr Burns said no more, nodding quietly. "You are at a difficult stage, Alicia. Your pregnancy isn't viable if we delivered now, but you're still quite far on…" he stopped speaking as he rolled the wand over Alicia's abdomen, concentrating intently on the screen which he'd turned away from the young woman.

Alicia clenched her eyes shut, she could hardly bear to look at the registrars expression as he completed the scan.

"Okay, no rupture of membranes, fluid levels are good, placenta is intact." Mr Burns pressed the screen and a sound, clear as day, filled the cubicle. It seemed as if every person in the room sighed in relief, and Alicia burst into tears. "Foetus has a good heartbeat, as you can hear. You will have a detailed anomaly scan in the next few weeks, Alicia, but it all looks fine to me, no sign of abnormalities. You've been extremely lucky."

Alicia relaxed back into her pillows, as Ethan reached to brush the tears off of her face. She wasn't out of the woods, far from it, but it was a good start.

"I have to warn you, and I'm sure you are aware of the statistics, the sepsis could still lead to spontaneous miscarriage. Your risk of premature labour increases significantly from now on, as does neonatal sepsis. But we will monitor you closely, and the initial signs are good," Mr Burns finished, nodding at his patient with a hint of a smile, before gesturing to Mrs Beauchamp to leave the cubicle with him, presumably to discuss management. Before she left, Connie gently squeezed Alicia's hand, rubbing her thumb across her palm and smiling at her warmly.

Alicia let out a huge sigh of relief as the cubicle became empty save for herself and Ethan.

"I really did think that was it," she said, turning her head towards the man. "It's funny, how distraught I was about being pregnant, and then when faced with losing her…"

"Despite it all, it's still your baby, Alicia – that's so normal. You love her…or him." Ethan chuckled. "Mother's intuition, hey?"

"I just have a feeling," she smiled.

"Well, she's a bit of a pickle already isn't she?" Ethan said softly, still stroking the top of Alicia's head. "I meant what I said, Alicia, last week. You're not on your own with this."

Alicia nodded, turning onto her side to face the man and closing her eyes sleepily. "Thank-you," she whispered. "Pickle and I appreciate it."


	4. 4 Weeks Old

**Hello! Hope you're all well. This chapter is set when baby Madeleine is around a month old. Thank you for the kind comments on the last instalment :-) x**

* * *

"From your hair down to your toes,  
you're not much, goodness knows,"

Alicia thought she'd retired from her singing career at the tender age of eleven. Mrs McKee, a grumpy bespectacled battle-axe of a music teacher, told her that her Geordie accent was far too strong to sing properly and so she was forbidden from joining the Holby Secondary School Choir. As a result, save for a bit of drunken karaoke, her vocal cords hadn't been exercised in quite a while. This was until a tiny human was entrusted to her barely a month ago. It had happened without even thinking about it, really, humming little tunes to her daughter as she was feeding, singing over her screams of protest in the bathtub, adopting a melodic tone as she chatted away to the oblivious little girl when they were home alone. Her repertoire had grown significantly, she was proud to demonstrate to an amused Ethan as the weeks wore on, him returning from work of an evening most days to discover she'd learned yet another bizarre nursery rhyme.

"But, you're so precious to me,  
Sweet as can be, baby of mine."

Madeleine seemed to like this one, she noted, as the baby slept peacefully. She was pottering around her house trying to clear through the destruction that came with raising a newborn, with the baby strapped to her chest in one of those carrier things. She'd been sceptical about it, at first, when Robyn had declared it the "best thing ever" and donated hers to the new mother. It was during a day of endless monotonous screaming from a two week old Maddie that she had caved and her and Ethan figured it out. Much hysteria ensued, the pair of them dissolving into delirious giggles as they tried to avoid dropping the poor child or tipping her out of the sling.

A tap of the door interrupted Alicia's singing, and she frowned curiously. She definitely wasn't expecting any visitors today, she thought, padding down the hallway in socked feet towards the front door. She fiddled with the various latches, still not quite out of the habit yet of bolting herself into the house (though she had talked herself out of the obsessive use of the spyhole). Finally prising the front door open, her mouth dropped open in shock as she took in the person stood on the doorstep.

"Hello stranger," the soft Irish lilt of the woman stood opposite her made her beam in response, before suddenly she burst into tears. God, she'd missed Bea's stupid grinning face so much.

"What are you crying for, you silly thing! I'm not that bad," Bea laughed, tone full of affection. She stepped over the threshold, immediately enveloping the other woman in a hug, rocking her slightly. "Is this baby hormones?" She felt Alicia nodding in her arms, and chuckled gently. She pulled away from the hug slowly, reaching instead to squeeze the free hand Alicia wasn't using to wipe the irrational tears from her cheeks.

"Awk look, I was squashing her! Oh my god, she's so small Alicia." Bea exclaimed, suddenly noticing the tiny bundle strapped to Alicia's chest. The child in question squirmed and whimpered gently, right on cue, and Bea raised her eyebrow at Alicia hopefully.

Alicia sighed, rolling her eyes in mock exasperation. "Why do I get the impression you've come to cuddle my baby, rather than to see me?"

"Don't know what you're talking about!" Bea countered, skipping down the hallway following Alicia into the lounge.

"Seeing as you're so keen, would you take her for a second so I can make us a cuppa? She's due a feed soon so I need to grab my chance," Alicia knew she barely needed to ask, guessing exactly what the answer would be.

"I thought you'd never ask," Bea grinned. She took the newborn off of her mum, immediately cradling her close. She smiled fondly at the expression that briefly crossed Alicia's face, the look of a new mum whose body and brain screamed out at being parted from their newborn for even a second. She shifted the baby and tucked her onto her chest, tiny head under her chin, and settled back into the sofa. "I think we'll be okay for a minute, lovely, you remember how I take my tea yeah?"

Bea watched Alicia relax a little at the sight of her daughter calm in her friend's arms. She nodded before retreating into the kitchen, smiling to herself.

* * *

"Báidín bídeach, báidín beosach; báidín bóidheach, báidín fheilimí,"

Bea sang quietly to the baby in her arms, rocking her gently. She was stunned by just how much the little girl looked like Alicia. She'd seen photographs of her, but it was different in person. She had all of Alicia's delicate features, right down to the dimples on her cheeks. It was a relief, quite honestly, though she'd never voice it aloud - but the child looked nothing like her father.

"What are you indoctrinating my child with?" Alicia laughed, as she precariously carried two mugs full of tea into the lounge and set them down on the coffee table before taking a seat beside the younger woman still cradling a sleeping Madeleine.

"It's a classic, I'm culturing her – it's alright Leesh, I've got her if you want to drink the first hot cup of tea you've seen in four weeks."

"Thank-you," Alicia sighed gratefully, sipping her drink and closing her eyes in appreciation. "Ethan's really good, actually, but he's rubbish at making tea."

Bea shuddered at the memory. "Oh yes, I remember Dr Hardy's tea making skills well. Still traumatised. Has he been here a lot?"

Alicia nodded, smiling weakly. "I don't know where we stand, to be honest, but he's basically living here. He's amazing with Maddie, he was there when she was born. I couldn't have done gotten through the last six months or so without him."

"You still love him, don't you?" Bea said knowingly. She swore she could see tears well in Alicia's eyes when she said the words, but she blinked hurriedly to clear them.

"I never stopped," Alicia whispered, eyes resting on her daughter instead of meeting Bea's gaze. "We kissed, a few weeks after the ambulance crash. I'd told him then I wasn't ready, freaked myself out. I wasn't, ready, I mean. I was still healing physically, wasn't even sleeping in my own bed at that point."

"And now?" Bea responded.

"Now I have a newborn baby…I'm full of hormones, I'm sleep-deprived, I'm grumpy, he's seen me at my worst physically and mentally. I'm not attractive in the slightest!" Alicia laughed, though there was an underlying seriousness in her tone.

"Basically living here, you said?" Bea countered, raising her eyebrow at Alicia. Alicia smiled in response, before tearing up again. She sighed, frustrated at herself and her tearfulness before rubbing her eyes furiously.

"Hey, hey, don't cry – you'll set me off!" Bea said gently. She reached towards Alicia with her free hand, pulling at her arm to bring her closer. Alicia laughed weakly, wiping her tears a final time before sitting closer to her friend on the sofa. She rested her head against Bea's shoulder, closing her eyes sleepily for a second. "I've really missed you."

"Motherhood has turned you so soppy. I'm back now. Besides, I couldn't get to grips with speaking French."

* * *

"Leesh?" Ethan called, pulling his key from the front door lock and tossing it into the basket by the front door, before slipping off his shoes. He glanced down the hallway quickly. He'd long since learned that he could work out how much of a Velcro baby Madeleine had been that day by the state of the house when he walked in from work. Today, he smiled to himself, it all looked and sounded calm.

He could hear Alicia's melodic Geordie accent singing from up the stairs. Climbing up slowly, he tried to avoid the squeaking floorboards in the hope he wouldn't disturb her. Nothing made his heart soar more than catching Alicia with her guard down, tending to her little girl. It was a sight so precious to behold.

"Little one, when you play,  
Don't you mind what they say,  
Let those eyes sparkle and shine,"

Alicia was laid on her side on her bed, facing away from the door, her body curled protectively around Madeleine, who was wrapped snugly in her fluffy hooded towel, obviously having just been bathed but tiny eyes drooping closed sleepily.

"A classic," Ethan said softly, sorry to interrupt the woman's revere but conscious of her still underlying jumpiness. Sure enough Alicia startled for a second, but relaxed at recognising Ethan's voice. She rolled onto her back and pushed herself upright, turning to face the door to see a knackered looking Ethan leaning against the doorframe.

"Hey, long day?" Alicia said, smiling warmly.

"The longest." Ethan sighed, rolling his eyes. He walked over to join the woman on the bed, peering at the baby who was laying contentedly. "Hello Pickle," he cooed, tickling her tiny toes fondly. "Have you looked after mummy for me?"

"Loved and adored by self-professed Auntie Bea today." Alicia smiled, eyes lighting up as she caught Ethan's mischievous expression. "I knew it! You knew that she was on her way back! You've been weird for days."

"I wasn't about to spoil the fun and tell you, what do you take me for? Was she alright?" Ethan replied fondly.

"I thought she was about to abduct Madeleine, she was so taken with her," Alicia chuckled. "It feels right, having her back and in Maddie's life. She'll be a good influence."

"We all need an Auntie Bea, I absolutely agree." Ethan smiled, scooping up the baby and holding her to his shoulder. He closed his eyes as if he was breathing in her smell. "We had a paediatric arrest today," he sighed, sorry to bring the mood down. "All I wanted to do was to ring and check up on you, and her. It sounds so silly."

"It's not silly," Alicia replied softly, reaching to squeeze Ethan's hand. "You should have rang. I don't mind, I promise."

Ethan pressed a kiss to Madeleine's tiny head, smiling fondly at her mum.

"Eth, I was thinking, I want to get Maddie christened." Alicia broached suddenly.

"Okay, that sounds good. I didn't know you were religious?" Ethan said, but nodded encouragingly.

"I'm not, not really, but I want her to have godparents, you know? Seeing Bea today got me thinking. Maddie might not have father of the year, biologically, but she's got so many people on her team and I want that set in stone."

"I think that's an excellent plan. So, godparents – Bea, Charlie…?" Ethan questioned.

"Naturally. And Elle. And you, obviously." Alicia nodded.

"Me?" Ethan stuttered, momentarily stunned.

"Of course, don't be daft. You're the only dad she's ever known, you held her even before I did. She adores you," Alicia gestured at the baby who had fallen asleep, still wrapped in her towel, with her head resting on Ethan's shoulder.

Ethan didn't know what to say, half taken aback in shock by this request. He didn't know why he was so surprised, he'd vowed even before Madeleine was born that he would be there for Alicia and help her with the baby. However, he'd underestimated just how much he would grow to love the little girl. She reminded him so much of her mother, both in looks and personality, and he'd fallen hook, line and sinker in love. Up until now he'd been so caught up in the moment he'd barely thought of the future, but all of a sudden it hit him like a ton of bricks, smashing to pieces around him. He didn't know how long he was going to be able to play out this father role for Madeleine. He was thirty-one, he knew he had ten years, maybe fifteen at the very most, before the ugly symptoms of his Huntington's disease started to make themselves known. It would start with cognitive decline first, he'd read enough about it to know that. Depression, aggression, personality changes - and then the physical decline would follow. He couldn't promise that he would be the dad that Madeleine needed, that she deserved, and it broke his heart. He couldn't possibly agree to become a godparent whilst privy to this information.

"Ethan, are you alright?" Alicia said, confused by her friends silence. "You don't have to, if you don't want to. I'll understand." Inside, she was really hurt by Ethan's reaction. He looked like he was going to cry, like he'd just kicked a puppy, not been asked to become godfather to her daughter.

"I, I just…" Ethan stuttered, frowning in frustration and trying really hard not to start crying whilst he was holding the baby. He took a deep breath, rocking the child tenderly. "I can get us some food, if you want to put Maddie to bed now."

"Then we'll talk?" Alicia nodded, still baffled by the distress on Ethan's face.

"Yeah, we'll talk. I think I more than owe you that." Ethan whispered, pressing a kiss to the head of the baby girl in his arms before passing her over to her mum and leaving the room, barely able to meet Alicia's eye.

* * *

Ethan stood in the kitchen, waves of anxiety rolling over him as he tried to concentrate on the food cooking on the stove in front of him. He knew it was too late to be having this conversation with Alicia, he knew that. He knew she'd be angry, all the times that he'd put them at risk of her falling pregnant with a child who could inherit the disorder, and she'd had no idea. The extreme, dark depression that he'd fallen into after his brother's murder, her left thinking she just wasn't good enough to make it better for him. The fury and hatred he'd shown her after her cry for help through the anonymous blog, and of course the devastating rejection barely forty-eight hours after she was raped, traumatised, despite her begging him for support. He'd treated her awfully over the past year and a half, and this was the cherry on top of the cake. He'd allowed her tiny, innocent daughter to grow an attachment to him and he was going to turn into an evil monster who was helpless and disabled and a useless excuse of a surrogate parent.

"Woah, Ethan, you're going to burn yourself!" Alicia's cry startled Ethan from his panicked daze, as she dived forward to push him out of the way and take the saucepan which was boiling over off from the heat.

"Right, enough of this," she said firmly, turning the knobs of the stove off furiously. "I might not be able to drink but you certainly still can, so I'm going to get you a glass of wine and we are going to sit in my lounge and talk about why you're being so weird…Ethan, go!"

He nodded, Alicia clearly not in the mood for an argument. He'd noticed this new side to her since she'd had the baby, a new layer of fierceness, that coat of vulnerability which had enshrouded her since her rape all but erased as every fibre of her being fought to protect herself and Madeleine.

A little later, Alicia followed Ethan into the lounge grasping a tray containing two plates of toast, a generous glass of red wine and a cup of tea.

"Hopefully that wine hasn't corked, it's been a while," Alicia said, pushing the glass into her friends trembling hands. "Eat that toast, okay? You'll be starving."

Ethan nodded, taking a deep breath and pulling himself together. "I'm so sorry Alicia, I didn't mean to become such an emotional wreck."

"I'm just confused, Ethan, that's all. One minute you're telling me you could hardly bear to get through a shift without checking up on Maddie and the next moment you're backing away at any implication of responsibility. I'm not having it, I'm not having her heart broken, so you're in or you're out. With her, and with me. I mean it." Alicia said firmly, laying down the law.

"No, no, it's not that Leesh. I love her, I love you, with every fibre of my being. That's the problem. I can't promise that I'll always be who she deserves me to be." Ethan replied, voice wobbling with emotion. He turned his head away from the younger woman, whilst she leaned closer to try and catch his eye.

"Okay, now you're confusing me even more. Ethan, please talk to me." Alicia said, swallowing hard to rid herself of the lump in her throat.

Ethan closed his eyes for a second, breathing deeply. Why did this feel like the hardest sentence he'd ever said in his life?

"I've got Huntington's Disease." The words still sounded foreign, coming from his mouth. He'd told such a small number of people that there was never any reason to discuss his diagnosis, and the majority of the time he lived his life without even giving it a second thought.

"Oh," Alicia said, and Ethan's heart shattered when he heard the tears lacing her voice. "Ethan, look at me."

Ethan turned in her direction, his own tears falling from his eyes at seeing the distress on her face. "I'm sorry, you should have known a long time before now."

"How long have you known?" Alicia whispered.

"We were adopted, Cal and I. Cal found our birth mother, about a year before he died. He found out she had Huntington's, and he tested us. I have it. He was fine – such a waste of life…I'm sorry."

"Stop apologising, please stop. This isn't your fault." Alicia was stunned, but she couldn't bear the self-loathing and despair lacing Ethan's words. It was clear he was still as traumatised by his diagnosis as the day he found out.

"I put you at risk, so many times. What if you'd fallen pregnant?" Ethan cried.

"I didn't, it didn't happen. Going down that route is dangerous territory Ethan, the what-ifs will kill you." Alicia sighed, moving to take the wine glass Ethan was clutching out of his grasp, before curling herself into his side. He reacted instinctively, placing his arm around her and clinging on as if she was holding him together.

"I wish you'd told me, not for me, but for you. That is an incredible burden to bear on your shoulders, Eth." Alicia was crying again now, the sadness for her best friend enveloping her.

"Shhh, please don't cry," Ethan comforted, pressing a kiss into Alicia's hair. "I'm sorry, I really am. You didn't sign up for this."

Alicia chuckled mirthlessly, tucking herself further into Ethan's embrace, if that was even impossible. "You didn't sign up for living with a tiny foghorn of a baby, but here we are."

"I want to be her dad, Alicia. I just can't bear to let her down." Ethan sighed sadly.

"You won't, you won't. I'm going to be here, I'm going to catch you like you caught me. Madeleine might be our only chance, Ethan. If we're going to do this together, and that's what I want. Let's make the most of our chance." Alicia whispered. "Listen, I'm going to say this now – "

Ethan turned slightly, still with the woman in his arms but looking at her exhausted looking face, taking in a million different details. "Okay."

"I love you. I'm in love with you. I want us to be together, please." Alicia said simply, before leaning forward and pressing her lips to his. He responded instantly, relaxing into the kiss as he tasted his tears and hers. Pulling away, he sniffed and wiped his eyes before reaching to wipe her cheeks tenderly.

"I love you too, Alicia Munroe." Ethan smiled, in spite of himself.

* * *

 **I got them together, finally! Ha. I hope you liked the little bits of song in this chapter - Alicia is singing "Baby Mine" which you may recognise from the film Dumbo, from a scene which still makes me want to cry at the age of twenty-one. The Irish Gaelic song that Bea is singing is lovely - I don't speak Irish Gaelic, I'm Northern Irish, but I came across this recently. It's a traditional nursery rhyme from County Donegal, about a tiny boat of all things!**


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